More ridiculousness from the perverted minds of the good ol' boys at PHN shrouded in anonymity.
“I’ll bet you this bitch wants to fuck me.”
“My wife better be able to cook, clean…you know, do shit while I’m out getting my work on.”
“I can just imagine how tight she is. Imagine her butthole dude! Her shit must be like noodles.”
“He uses magnums. I don't know if you know anything about that. But that means it’s gonna hurt.”
“So I just heard the story of a girl losing her virginity?”
“I’d rather have her fuck someone in week two. Because then her pussy’s got 5 weeks to clean itself out. ‘That's grimey dude. You’re fuckin gross. I don't have to worry about that because I got the V-Card right in my back pocket.’
“Don't tell her you wanna have sex with her. When you’re dealing with a virgin, you don't tell her you wanna fuck her. Because then you just scare her. You just do it man.”
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
An Illini Weekend – Part 2 – Saturday
The remainder of my Friday at the University of Illinois’ Unofficial St. Patty’s Day celebration wasn't anything too outrageous. We hopped a couple more parties and ultimately ended up at an apartment where the group of girls I was with knew EVERYBODY. A couple of things to highlight here:
JV got virtually raped on the dance floor with all her clothes on. Watching her dance, I didn't know whether to stop her dance partner, or just keep looking on in awe that sex could possibly be had without ever actually removing any clothing or exposing any type of genitalia.
I almost got into a fight with some black girl because I was “dancing in her space.” She tried to challenge me to an “ass off” – in which we tried to see who could actually push the other farther by only using the force of the rear end. Of course I, with the superior lower body strength, won.
Upon seeing my dancing skills, some gay guy thought it would be a good idea to rub his trunk into my junk. Not happening. I immediately pushed him away as hard as I could and let him know that I preferred the warmth of a good vagina rather than a pulsating penis.
We drank and drank and drank the night away. Overall, I passed out pretty happy.
Most of Saturday was a pretty chill day. We planned on getting homework done at the library, but decided that catching on sleep with a nap was more important.
For the night, we arranged a pregame party at the apartment we were staying at prior to heading out to the bars. People arrived and the drinking began around 9:20pm. Having had quite the number of shots and mixed drinks in such a short amount of time, I was already reaching drunkenness by the time we left at 9:50pm.
We got to Clybourne’s, the local hotspot on campus, around 10pm. The line was ridiculously long. Drunk, we waited here for a good 20-25 minutes. After JV’s freshly pierced nips were exposed in a hilarious photo taken with some random creeper, we decided to head to another bar called Fubar.
“You got in?” “We got right in.” (That’s a Superbad reference for all of you who are not familiar with one of the funniest movies ever made).
We got in and it was time to start drinking heavily once again. As my drunkenness increased, I turned into a dance machine. The pop and lock, the robot, the stanky leg, the moon walk; you name it I had it down. Oh yes, I Soulja Boyed just about everyone and everything in that place. I even attempted to spread my dancing joy to others around me who seemed to not be having as much fun as I was.
I also turned into a dick getting machine for my female companions. I was well aware that these girls needed some Penis in their Vaginas. So I went into search and destroy mode, playing Pussy/PenisMatchMaker like it was nobody’s business.
Now, I liked hanging out with the girls because it provided me with some new perspective on life. But I was longing for my fellow wolves. WhiteRice and the rest of the dudes rolled through shortly after we arrived and after I promised “There’s sooo much pussy here.”
Some random dude liked my “style”, so he asked for a few pointers as he was from out of town. I let him know that for the Chicago-land girls, a guy had to play the sweetheart card. He thanked me for the tip, which I mostly bullshitted, and asked, “You wanna go get some pussy?” Which I thought was quite funny.
I played womanizer for a bit and took pictures with girls like they were giving me head. They got on their knees, I motor boated some boobs, and I licked some body. I was trashed by way of Rum & Coke, a few free drinks from the bartender, and my trusty flask filled with straight Vodka by the end of our time at the bar.
Around 2am we were forced to leave so we headed to a local house party. Being really drunk is amazing because you skip all the boring parts of life, like walking to places and peeing in alleys, and you fast forward right to the next party. We arrived at some condo that looked like an industrial themed techno club complete with lasers and skimpily dressed people. WhiteRice and I felt out of place. As we were returning from the keg, some tool had the nerve to say something smart to me.
This night could turn out to be not so fun after all.
I was already uncomfortable and felt out of place. That whole thing about alcohol intensifying your mood is absolutely 100% true. I began to feel paranoid; like no one was comfortable having us there. The only rational thing for me to do was to pull out the heat I was packing; a 6 inch butterfly knife.
Silly me.
I began to whip it around, as if to taunt anyone who was looking at me. Luckily WhiteRice instructed me to finish my beer.
“I can’t take this anymore man. Lets get the fuck out of here.” I said. --- Quite possibly the smartest thing I did all night.
My mood bettered within minutes of us leaving. We met up with the girls over at the local Pizza Place. Here, I made everyone aware that all the girls I was with “Where my bitches,” and that “This was my pussy.” I scared a straight kid, who complimented JV on her beauty; into telling me he was gay, because I accused him of “Trying to take my pussy.”
My night ended with a delicious Gyro at a spot where the story was the same. I went around and greeted everyone in the restaurant and asked them if they were getting pussy that night.
“Are you getting pussy? Are YOU getting pussy tonight? Will you promise me that you’ll get some pussy tonight? Will you make sure he gets some pussy tonight? Because I’m really concerned about you guys getting some pussy tonight.”
And then I woke up the next morning, fully clothed, contacts in, and with everything in my pockets. I felt unusually happy in the morning. I was still drunk. However it would only take another hour or so for me to feel the awesome hangover.
Thank you UofI, for a wonderful Unofficial weekend.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Quotes from the Board
Here's a new selection of quotes from our quote board. Once again, we've all contributed equally, however the quotes' authors shall remain anonymous. Enjoy!
“Relax dude, pussy’s gonna find its way to you.”
“Is this ice cream? Ewww...it’s my nut.”
“We’re all about equilibrium. But if you’re gonna be racist, nigga the door is right there.”
“Don't tell her you wanna have sex with her. When you’re dealing with a virgin, you don't tell her you wanna fuck her. Because then you just scare her. You just do it man.”
“I’ll bet you this bitch wants to fuck me.”
“My wife better be able to cook, clean…you know, do shit while I’m out getting my work on.”
“Relax dude, pussy’s gonna find its way to you.”
“Is this ice cream? Ewww...it’s my nut.”
“We’re all about equilibrium. But if you’re gonna be racist, nigga the door is right there.”
“Don't tell her you wanna have sex with her. When you’re dealing with a virgin, you don't tell her you wanna fuck her. Because then you just scare her. You just do it man.”
“I’ll bet you this bitch wants to fuck me.”
“My wife better be able to cook, clean…you know, do shit while I’m out getting my work on.”
Murphy's Law
“GET. THIS. BITCH. THE. FUCK. OUTTA. HERE!”
This is the point at which my night changed.
Rewind.
Two weeks or so ago, my roommates and I at PHN volunteered our pad to host an end of the year party for our friends over at “Student Organization XYZ”. XYZ has a tradition each year, in which the main objective of the huge party they throw is to get the freshman as trashed as possible. Initially, we, or at least I, didn't realize this was the premise of the event. Nonetheless, we graciously accepted the concept of free food (for a banquet before), free booze, and a raging party at our place.
The night started off well with our friends for dinner at the banquet. We shot the shit, ate some good food, and scoped out the tail that we’d be able to chase later on, when boundaries would be far from sight.
The party kicked off at about 10:30pm over at PHN. It was mainly the upperclassmen and our friends to show up first. We started with a few swigs of bottles, shots, and burrs. Then, the freshman began to arrive. As soon as they walked in they were handed cups, named and all, which they were not allowed to lose or have empty. Nice.
I think you may know where this night is going.
I figured, “Hey, these kids are gonna be submissive all night. Why not degrade them too?” Already living on a pretty good buzz, I proceeded to chant “FRESHMAN!” as loud as I could, and point at them repeatedly. Because no one likes to be pointed at. Oh, and by the way, the hard alcohol was reserved for the freshman. Beer was to be downed by everyone else.
What an even better idea; drown these weak, inexperienced drinkers in 90 Proof liquor when they barely know how to tread. Poor kids. Oh well, it's a part of growing up.
More and more and more people piled in. Alcohol was flowing, Sausage was taking back-to-back shots of Jose Cuervo (which I strongly advised against), White Rice was losing his mind dealing with all the people, and I was singing every song at the top of my lungs.
Sausage and I thought it would be nice to thank our friends and our guests. So we cleaned off the beer pong table, jumped up, and proceeded to make a speech. This was followed by a dance choreographed earlier that night to Montel Williams’ This Is How We Do It. It was a big hit, we just wished there were enough people to crowd surf.
Then chaos ensued.
The first freshman puked on our couch. I went into asshole mode. I instructed whoever was with her to “Clean that shit up.” I thought that was it. But then, as I should have expected, another and another and another began to blow chunks. I was beginning to lose my mind in a sea of pussy freshman puke. So I did all I could. I turned the music off, got everyone’s attention, and yelled at the top of my lungs.
“YOU FRESHMAN ARE PUSSIES. YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP UP? COME ON! IF YOU HAVE TO FUCKIN PUKE, TAKE IT TO THE GARBAGE CAN, THE SINK, OR THE BATHROOM!”’
They were too busy puking. Puking on our carpet, in plastic shopping bags (which should have been an item they were handed as they walked in) in our garbage cans, in our sinks, all over our bathrooms, and in our bedrooms; good thing mine was locked.
Even Sausage, who was so excited for this party, who was so excited to cause a complete ruckus, who was excited to degrade dumb broads, and so excited to be remembered for the dumb shit he said, spent his night praying to the white porcelain god that was the toilet. I watched the kid’s seemingly lifeless body fall ground shaking-hard into the bathtub as he attempted to be finished.
This was getting out of hand. So I proceeded to do what I had to; get these youngins out of my place. I went to our friend ATB and informed him that I wanted these kids out. “Who?!” he asked. This was a task too big for names and words, so I began to make my rounds around the apartment pointing them out. “This bitch right here. Home! That one. Home! This one here. Home! That pussy over there. Home!” and so it continued for a good fifteen minutes.
I thought my worries were over once all these vomiting liabilities were out. Boy was I wrong, and boy did this one have it in for her. Please, for all those out there, don't get on my bad side when my BAC is likely close to .20.
I noticed the light in WhiteRice and Cousin’s room was on. “Why is it on?” I asked myself. “No one should be in there; unless of course there are shenanigans going on.” I decided to investigate. Upon entering the room I discovered a thieving girl rummaging through the closets looking for a pair of pants.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing with those?” I inquired.
“I just need these khakis. WhiteRice said it was fine,” she claimed.
“Ok, hold on then. Let me just make sure.”
“No its fine. WhiteRice said it was fine.”
I sensed some attitude issues here. This is the worst thing for me to sense, especially if I’m in my own domain. She repeated to exclaim that taking the pants was fine. Which, if it was fine, I didn't see what the big deal about asking my roommate was. I didn't know if he approved this. I didn't even know if they were his or if they were Cousin’s. She brushed me off and tried to simply push me out of the way and walk past me. Big NO-NO. This is when things began to get loud and my other buddies began to notice something was wrong. All I was trying to do was figure out what was going on with these pants, and this chick thought it would be okay to completely disregard me. It started to get a bit blurry, but I remember that I began to yell my reasoning. A group of my buddies got in between her and I, as if I was actually going to fight this girl. Not a chance. Nevertheless, someone thought it would be appropriate to hold my arms behind my back, which I didn't have a problem with, since I had no violent intentions. Meanwhile, I was yelling obscenities about this girl, because no one seemed to understand what I was so heated about.
This girl was so into herself; she thought it would be OK for this to come out of her mouth.
“Just because you want to fuck me, doesn't mean you have to be a dick head!”
Strike three and you’re out cunt.
“Oh Ffffffuuuccckkkk no…” is what went through my head. “What?!” is what I said. I proceeded to yell at the top of my lungs:
“GET. THIS. BITCH. THE. FUCK. OUTTA. HERE. RIGHT. NOW!” so that everyone in our place could hear. “THIS ONE. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE. GET THE FUCK OUT!” I yelled as I pointed her out for everyone.
My buddies escorted this humiliated broad out of the PHN. Let this be a lesson that this is what happens when you’re a piece of shit at the PHN, you get completely and utterly embarrassed in front of all; in every which way possible.
But, it wasn't over. I’m a big believer in karma. What goes around comes around. And sometimes you gotta suck it up and take it like a champ.
About an hour later, my friend Paahtna was worried she lost her camera. So I, being the nice guy that I am, decided to help her find it in WhiteRice and Cousin’s room. Their beds are separated by a seven-foot tall bookshelf. Cousin’s bed sits on the floor. After about a minute or so of searching the room for her camera, I got too lazy and decided to lie on Cousin’s bed. Mistake. I’m not sure what compelled Paahtna to think that her camera might be underneath the head of Cousin’s bed, near the bookshelf, but she proceeded to lift up the mattress and check anyway. In doing so, she managed to knock the bookshelf right over, square onto my face. I laid there in disbelief for about twenty good seconds before this mammoth was removed.
Like I said, when you’re a dick at the PHN, expect to get embarrassed.
These types of things are to be expected. The universe needs balance, and if no one is there to take initiative to instigate the process of balancing it out, it will go vigilante and balance itself. It comes with the territory and one learns that winning and losing are all a part of this game of life.
The pussy drunks were safely home puking in their own beds, the unwanted bitches were out, and I was comfortably in my bed with an icepack on my face. Our friends cleaned in the morning, and we were left with a bunch of leftover booze, drinks, and food. All in all, it turned out to be a good night; memorable enough to be recalled here for you.
This is the point at which my night changed.
Rewind.
Two weeks or so ago, my roommates and I at PHN volunteered our pad to host an end of the year party for our friends over at “Student Organization XYZ”. XYZ has a tradition each year, in which the main objective of the huge party they throw is to get the freshman as trashed as possible. Initially, we, or at least I, didn't realize this was the premise of the event. Nonetheless, we graciously accepted the concept of free food (for a banquet before), free booze, and a raging party at our place.
The night started off well with our friends for dinner at the banquet. We shot the shit, ate some good food, and scoped out the tail that we’d be able to chase later on, when boundaries would be far from sight.
The party kicked off at about 10:30pm over at PHN. It was mainly the upperclassmen and our friends to show up first. We started with a few swigs of bottles, shots, and burrs. Then, the freshman began to arrive. As soon as they walked in they were handed cups, named and all, which they were not allowed to lose or have empty. Nice.
I think you may know where this night is going.
I figured, “Hey, these kids are gonna be submissive all night. Why not degrade them too?” Already living on a pretty good buzz, I proceeded to chant “FRESHMAN!” as loud as I could, and point at them repeatedly. Because no one likes to be pointed at. Oh, and by the way, the hard alcohol was reserved for the freshman. Beer was to be downed by everyone else.
What an even better idea; drown these weak, inexperienced drinkers in 90 Proof liquor when they barely know how to tread. Poor kids. Oh well, it's a part of growing up.
More and more and more people piled in. Alcohol was flowing, Sausage was taking back-to-back shots of Jose Cuervo (which I strongly advised against), White Rice was losing his mind dealing with all the people, and I was singing every song at the top of my lungs.
Sausage and I thought it would be nice to thank our friends and our guests. So we cleaned off the beer pong table, jumped up, and proceeded to make a speech. This was followed by a dance choreographed earlier that night to Montel Williams’ This Is How We Do It. It was a big hit, we just wished there were enough people to crowd surf.
Then chaos ensued.
The first freshman puked on our couch. I went into asshole mode. I instructed whoever was with her to “Clean that shit up.” I thought that was it. But then, as I should have expected, another and another and another began to blow chunks. I was beginning to lose my mind in a sea of pussy freshman puke. So I did all I could. I turned the music off, got everyone’s attention, and yelled at the top of my lungs.
“YOU FRESHMAN ARE PUSSIES. YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP UP? COME ON! IF YOU HAVE TO FUCKIN PUKE, TAKE IT TO THE GARBAGE CAN, THE SINK, OR THE BATHROOM!”’
They were too busy puking. Puking on our carpet, in plastic shopping bags (which should have been an item they were handed as they walked in) in our garbage cans, in our sinks, all over our bathrooms, and in our bedrooms; good thing mine was locked.
Even Sausage, who was so excited for this party, who was so excited to cause a complete ruckus, who was excited to degrade dumb broads, and so excited to be remembered for the dumb shit he said, spent his night praying to the white porcelain god that was the toilet. I watched the kid’s seemingly lifeless body fall ground shaking-hard into the bathtub as he attempted to be finished.
This was getting out of hand. So I proceeded to do what I had to; get these youngins out of my place. I went to our friend ATB and informed him that I wanted these kids out. “Who?!” he asked. This was a task too big for names and words, so I began to make my rounds around the apartment pointing them out. “This bitch right here. Home! That one. Home! This one here. Home! That pussy over there. Home!” and so it continued for a good fifteen minutes.
I thought my worries were over once all these vomiting liabilities were out. Boy was I wrong, and boy did this one have it in for her. Please, for all those out there, don't get on my bad side when my BAC is likely close to .20.
I noticed the light in WhiteRice and Cousin’s room was on. “Why is it on?” I asked myself. “No one should be in there; unless of course there are shenanigans going on.” I decided to investigate. Upon entering the room I discovered a thieving girl rummaging through the closets looking for a pair of pants.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing with those?” I inquired.
“I just need these khakis. WhiteRice said it was fine,” she claimed.
“Ok, hold on then. Let me just make sure.”
“No its fine. WhiteRice said it was fine.”
I sensed some attitude issues here. This is the worst thing for me to sense, especially if I’m in my own domain. She repeated to exclaim that taking the pants was fine. Which, if it was fine, I didn't see what the big deal about asking my roommate was. I didn't know if he approved this. I didn't even know if they were his or if they were Cousin’s. She brushed me off and tried to simply push me out of the way and walk past me. Big NO-NO. This is when things began to get loud and my other buddies began to notice something was wrong. All I was trying to do was figure out what was going on with these pants, and this chick thought it would be okay to completely disregard me. It started to get a bit blurry, but I remember that I began to yell my reasoning. A group of my buddies got in between her and I, as if I was actually going to fight this girl. Not a chance. Nevertheless, someone thought it would be appropriate to hold my arms behind my back, which I didn't have a problem with, since I had no violent intentions. Meanwhile, I was yelling obscenities about this girl, because no one seemed to understand what I was so heated about.
This girl was so into herself; she thought it would be OK for this to come out of her mouth.
“Just because you want to fuck me, doesn't mean you have to be a dick head!”
Strike three and you’re out cunt.
“Oh Ffffffuuuccckkkk no…” is what went through my head. “What?!” is what I said. I proceeded to yell at the top of my lungs:
“GET. THIS. BITCH. THE. FUCK. OUTTA. HERE. RIGHT. NOW!” so that everyone in our place could hear. “THIS ONE. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE. GET THE FUCK OUT!” I yelled as I pointed her out for everyone.
My buddies escorted this humiliated broad out of the PHN. Let this be a lesson that this is what happens when you’re a piece of shit at the PHN, you get completely and utterly embarrassed in front of all; in every which way possible.
But, it wasn't over. I’m a big believer in karma. What goes around comes around. And sometimes you gotta suck it up and take it like a champ.
About an hour later, my friend Paahtna was worried she lost her camera. So I, being the nice guy that I am, decided to help her find it in WhiteRice and Cousin’s room. Their beds are separated by a seven-foot tall bookshelf. Cousin’s bed sits on the floor. After about a minute or so of searching the room for her camera, I got too lazy and decided to lie on Cousin’s bed. Mistake. I’m not sure what compelled Paahtna to think that her camera might be underneath the head of Cousin’s bed, near the bookshelf, but she proceeded to lift up the mattress and check anyway. In doing so, she managed to knock the bookshelf right over, square onto my face. I laid there in disbelief for about twenty good seconds before this mammoth was removed.
Like I said, when you’re a dick at the PHN, expect to get embarrassed.
These types of things are to be expected. The universe needs balance, and if no one is there to take initiative to instigate the process of balancing it out, it will go vigilante and balance itself. It comes with the territory and one learns that winning and losing are all a part of this game of life.
The pussy drunks were safely home puking in their own beds, the unwanted bitches were out, and I was comfortably in my bed with an icepack on my face. Our friends cleaned in the morning, and we were left with a bunch of leftover booze, drinks, and food. All in all, it turned out to be a good night; memorable enough to be recalled here for you.
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